Conflict Mediation Guide

When band members are in conflict, sometimes they need help resolving it. This guide helps you mediate conflicts effectively and restore working relationships.

When to Mediate

Mediation is Appropriate When:

• Two members are in conflict
• They can't resolve it themselves
• Conflict is affecting the band
• Both are willing to work on it
• You're trusted by both parties
• You can remain neutral

Mediation is NOT Appropriate When:

• Safety concerns exist
• Abuse or harassment involved
• One party refuses to participate
• You can't be neutral
• Legal issues involved
• Conflict is beyond repair

Mediator's Role

What a Mediator Does:

Facilitates:

• Creates safe space
• Manages the process
• Ensures both are heard
• Keeps discussion productive

Remains Neutral:

• Doesn't take sides
• Doesn't judge
• Doesn't impose solutions
• Helps them find their own solution

Guides:

• Asks questions
• Clarifies misunderstandings
• Identifies common ground
• Helps generate options

What a Mediator Does NOT Do:

• Take sides
• Make decisions for them
• Force a solution
• Blame or judge
• Share confidences
• Guarantee outcome

Mediation Process

Step 1: Preparation (Before Meeting)

Meet with each person individually:

Questions to ask:

1. What's the conflict about from your perspective?
2. How is it affecting you?
3. What do you want to happen?
4. Are you willing to work on resolving this?
5. What would a good outcome look like?

Assess:

• Is mediation appropriate?
• Are both willing?
• Can you be neutral?
• What's the real issue?

Prepare:

• Schedule mediation meeting
• Choose neutral location
• Allow adequate time (90-120 min)
• Set ground rules
• Plan opening statement

Step 2: Opening (10 minutes)

Welcome and thank them: "Thank you both for being willing to work on this. I know it's not easy."

Explain your role: "I'm here to help you talk through this and find a solution that works for both of you. I'm not here to take sides or make decisions for you. My job is to make sure you both feel heard and to help you find common ground."

Set ground rules:

1. One person talks at a time
2. Listen without interrupting
3. Speak respectfully (no personal attacks)
4. Focus on the issue, not the person
5. Be honest and direct
6. What's said here stays here (confidential)
7. Both commit to finding a solution

Get agreement: "Can you both agree to these ground rules?"

Explain process: "Here's how this will work:

1. Each of you will share your perspective
2. I'll ask clarifying questions
3. We'll identify the real issues
4. We'll brainstorm solutions together
5. We'll agree on a path forward

Sound good?"

Step 3: Each Person Shares (30 minutes total)

Person A shares (15 min):

"Person A, please share your perspective on what's happening. Person B, please just listen for now—you'll have your turn."

Let them talk:

• Don't interrupt
• Take notes
• Watch body language
• Note key points

Ask clarifying questions:

• "Can you give me an example?"
• "How did that make you feel?"
• "What impact has this had?"
• "What do you need?"

Summarize what you heard: "Let me make sure I understand. You're saying summary. Is that right?"

Person B shares (15 min):

"Thank you, Person A. Now Person B, please share your perspective. Person A, please listen."

Same process:

• Let them talk
• Ask clarifying questions
• Summarize what you heard

Step 4: Identify the Real Issues (15 minutes)

Look for:

• What's the underlying issue?
• Where do they agree?
• Where do they disagree?
• What needs aren't being met?
• What's the real conflict?

Ask both:

• "What do you think the core issue is?"
• "Where do you agree?"
• "What do you both want?"
• "What needs to change?"

Summarize: "It sounds like the core issues are:

1. Issue 1
2. Issue 2
3. Issue 3

Is that accurate?"

Step 5: Generate Solutions (20 minutes)

Brainstorm together:

"Now let's brainstorm some possible solutions. I want you both to suggest ideas—even if they're not perfect. We're just generating options right now."

Encourage both to contribute:

• "What could help with issue?"
• "What would you be willing to do?"
• "What do you need from the other person?"
• "What other options are there?"

Write down all ideas:

• Don't judge or evaluate yet
• Encourage creativity
• Build on each other's ideas
• Look for common ground

Ideas generated:

Step 6: Evaluate and Choose (15 minutes)

Review options:

"Let's look at these options. Which ones could work for both of you?"

For each option, ask:

• "Would this address the issue?"
• "Can you both live with this?"
• "What would make this work?"
• "What concerns do you have?"

Find agreement:

• What can they both agree to?
• What compromises are needed?
• What's the best path forward?

Step 7: Create Agreement (15 minutes)

Document what they've agreed to:

Agreement Template:

Issue: _______________

What Person A commits to:

What Person B commits to:

What we both commit to:

How we'll handle future issues:

Check-in date: _______________

Read agreement aloud: "Let me read back what you've agreed to..."

Confirm: "Is this accurate? Can you both commit to this?"

Both sign:

• Shows commitment
• Creates accountability
• Documents agreement

Step 8: Closing (5 minutes)

Acknowledge their work: "I want to acknowledge both of you for being willing to work through this. It takes courage to have these conversations."

Reinforce agreement: "You've agreed to summary. I'm confident you can make this work."

Set follow-up: "Let's check in on date to see how things are going."

Express confidence: "I believe you can move forward from here. Thank you both."

Mediation Techniques

Active Listening

Show you're listening:

• Eye contact
• Nodding
• Taking notes
• Summarizing

Reflect back: "What I'm hearing is..." "It sounds like you're feeling..." "So from your perspective..."

Reframing

Turn attacks into needs:

• "You're always late" → "Punctuality is important to you"
• "You don't care" → "You want to feel valued"
• "You're controlling" → "You want more input"

Finding Common Ground

Highlight agreement: "You both want common goal" "You both care about shared value" "You both agree that point of agreement"

Managing Emotions

When emotions run high:

• Acknowledge feelings
• Take a break if needed
• Remind of ground rules
• Refocus on solutions

Phrases: "I can see this is really important to you" "Let's take a breath" "Remember, we're here to find a solution"

Asking Powerful Questions

Instead of "Why?":

• "What led to that?"
• "Help me understand..."
• "What was happening for you?"

Future-focused:

• "What do you want to happen?"
• "How would you like things to be?"
• "What would make this better?"

Responsibility:

• "What's your part in this?"
• "What could you do differently?"
• "What are you willing to change?"

Common Mediation Challenges

Challenge 1: One Person Dominates

Solution:

• "Thank you, Person A. Now I'd like to hear from Person B"
• Set time limits
• Interrupt politely
• Ensure equal airtime

Challenge 2: Personal Attacks

Solution:

• "Remember our ground rule about respect"
• "Let's focus on the behavior, not the person"
• "Can you rephrase that?"
• Reframe the attack

Challenge 3: Stuck in the Past

Solution:

• "I hear that was difficult. What do you want moving forward?"
• "Let's focus on solutions"
• "What needs to change?"
• Redirect to future

Challenge 4: Won't Compromise

Solution:

• "What are you willing to do?"
• "What's most important to you?"
• "What could you live with?"
• Find creative options

Challenge 5: Emotions Overwhelm

Solution:

• Take a break
• Acknowledge feelings
• Slow down
• Consider separate sessions

After Mediation

Follow-Up

One week later:

• Check in with each person
• How's it going?
• Are they following through?
• Any issues?

One month later:

• Formal check-in
• Review agreement
• Celebrate progress
• Adjust if needed

If Agreement Breaks Down

Address quickly:

1. Meet with each person
2. Understand what happened
3. Revisit agreement
4. Adjust if needed
5. Recommit or escalate

Mediation Checklist

Before Mediation

• Met with each person individually
• Assessed appropriateness of mediation
• Both willing to participate
• Confirmed your neutrality
• Scheduled meeting (90-120 min)
• Chose neutral location
• Prepared ground rules
• Prepared opening statement

During Mediation

• Welcomed and thanked them
• Explained your role
• Set ground rules
• Each person shared perspective
• Asked clarifying questions
• Identified real issues
• Generated solutions together
• Evaluated options
• Created written agreement
• Both signed agreement
• Set follow-up date

After Mediation

• Documented outcome
• Followed up (1 week)
• Followed up (1 month)
• Adjusted as needed

When Mediation Doesn't Work

Signs It's Not Working:

• One or both won't engage
• No willingness to compromise
• Continued personal attacks
• Safety concerns
• Trust is completely broken
• Conflict escalates

Next Steps:

1. Acknowledge it: "I don't think mediation is working here"
2. Explore options:
   • External mediator
   • Time apart
   • Role changes
   • Departure of one or both
3. Make decision:
   • What's best for band?
   • What's fair to all?
   • What's sustainable?

Key Takeaways

1. Mediation requires neutrality - Can't take sides
2. Both must be willing - Can't force resolution
3. Focus on future - Not rehashing past
4. Help them find solution - Don't impose yours
5. Document agreement - Written and signed
6. Follow up - Check in on progress
7. Know when to stop - Mediation doesn't always work

Effective mediation can resolve conflicts and restore relationships. Use this guide to help your band members work through their differences.