Conflict Resolution Framework

Conflict is inevitable in bands. How you handle it determines whether it strengthens or destroys your band. This framework provides a structured approach to resolving conflicts constructively.

Understanding Conflict

Conflict is Normal

Healthy bands have conflict because:

• People care about different things
• Creative visions differ
• Personalities vary
• Stress and pressure exist
• Communication breaks down
• Expectations misalign

The goal isn't to avoid conflict - it's to handle it well.

Types of Conflict

Task Conflict (Healthy)

• Disagreements about music, decisions, direction
• Different ideas and approaches
• Creative tension
• Can improve outcomes

Relationship Conflict (Unhealthy)

• Personal attacks
• Disrespect and hostility
• Resentment and grudges
• Damages relationships

Process Conflict (Can Go Either Way)

• How decisions are made
• Who does what
• Communication methods
• Can be productive or destructive

The Conflict Resolution Framework

Step 1: Pause & Assess

Before reacting, assess the situation:

Is this worth addressing?

• Yes - it's affecting the band or relationships
• No - it's minor and will pass
• Not sure - need to think about it

What type of conflict is this?

• Task - about the work
• Relationship - about people
• Process - about how we work

What's my role?

• I'm directly involved
• I'm observing between others
• I'm being asked to mediate

What's my emotional state?

• Calm and ready to talk
• Upset but can manage
• Too emotional - need time

Decision:

• Address now
• Address soon (when: _______)
• Let it go
• Need more information

Step 2: Prepare for the Conversation

Clarify Your Perspective:

What happened? (Facts only)

How did it affect you?

What do you need?

What's your desired outcome?

Check Your Assumptions:

• What am I assuming about their intentions?
• Could there be another explanation?
• What don't I know?

Plan Your Approach:

• When and where will we talk?
• How will I start the conversation?
• What specific examples will I use?
• What questions will I ask?

Step 3: Initiate the Conversation

Request the Conversation:

Good:

• "Can we talk about what happened yesterday? I want to understand your perspective."
• "I'd like to discuss issue. When's a good time?"
• "Something's been bothering me. Can we find time to talk?"

Bad:

• "We need to talk." (Threatening)
• Ambushing them without warning
• Bringing it up in front of others
• Texting about serious issues

Set the Stage:

• Private location
• Adequate time
• Both calm and ready
• Minimal distractions

Opening Statement:

Template: "I want to talk about specific situation. I felt emotion when specific behavior. I'm hoping we can understand each other and figure out how to move forward."

Example: "I want to talk about the rehearsal last week. I felt dismissed when you cut me off while I was sharing my idea. I'm hoping we can understand each other's perspectives and figure out how to communicate better."

Step 4: Listen to Understand

Your Job: Understand Their Perspective

Active Listening:

• Give full attention
• Don't interrupt
• Don't plan your response
• Ask clarifying questions
• Reflect back what you hear

Questions to Ask:

• "Help me understand your perspective."
• "What was going on for you?"
• "How did you experience that situation?"
• "What were you trying to accomplish?"
• "What do you need?"

Reflect Back:

• "So what I'm hearing is..."
• "It sounds like you felt..."
• "From your perspective..."
• "Did I get that right?"

Validate (Even if You Disagree):

• "I can see why you'd feel that way."
• "That makes sense from your perspective."
• "I understand that was frustrating for you."

Step 5: Share Your Perspective

Use "I" Statements:

Formula: "I felt emotion when specific behavior because impact."

Examples:

• "I felt frustrated when you arrived 30 minutes late because we couldn't start rehearsal."
• "I felt hurt when you dismissed my idea because I'd spent a lot of time on it."
• "I felt anxious when you didn't respond to my messages because I didn't know if you'd received them."

Avoid "You" Statements:

Bad:

• "You're always late."
• "You never listen."
• "You don't care about the band."

Better:

• "I've noticed you've been late to the last three rehearsals."
• "I felt unheard when my idea wasn't discussed."
• "I'm concerned about your level of engagement."

Be Specific:

• Use concrete examples
• Stick to observable behaviors
• Avoid generalizations
• Focus on impact, not intent

Step 6: Find Common Ground

Identify What You Agree On:

Questions:

• "What do we both want?"
• "What do we agree on?"
• "What's our shared goal?"

Common Ground Examples:

• We both want the band to succeed
• We both care about the music
• We both value respect
• We both want to resolve this

Acknowledge Shared Values: "I think we both want shared goal. We just have different ideas about how to get there."

Step 7: Problem-Solve Together

Brainstorm Solutions:

Rules:

• All ideas welcome
• No criticism during brainstorming
• Build on each other's ideas
• Get creative

Questions:

• "What would help?"
• "What could we try?"
• "How can we prevent this in the future?"
• "What do each of us need to do differently?"

Evaluate Options:

• Which solutions address both people's needs?
• Which are realistic and sustainable?
• Which have we both agreed to?

Choose a Solution:

• Specific and actionable
• Both people commit
• Clear expectations
• Timeline for trying it

Step 8: Agree on Next Steps

Action Items:

Check-In Plan:

• When will we check in on this?
• How will we know if it's working?
• What will we do if it's not?

Closing:

• Summarize agreement
• Thank each other
• Reaffirm commitment
• End on positive note

Conflict Resolution Conversation Template

Opening (5 minutes)

Request: "Thanks for making time to talk. I want to discuss situation and understand each other better."

Set Tone: "I'm not trying to blame anyone. I just want us to understand each other and figure out how to move forward."

Agenda: "I'd like to share my perspective, hear yours, and then figure out a solution together. Does that work?"

Your Perspective (10 minutes)

What Happened: "Here's what I experienced: specific situation"

Impact: "The impact on me was specific impact"

Feelings: "I felt emotion because reason"

Needs: "What I need is specific need"

Their Perspective (10 minutes)

Invite: "I want to understand your perspective. What was going on for you?"

Listen:Take notes, ask clarifying questions, reflect back

Validate: "I can see why you'd feel that way."

Find Common Ground (5 minutes)

Identify: "It sounds like we both want shared goal. Is that right?"

Acknowledge: "We're on the same team here. We just need to figure out how to work together better."

Problem-Solve (15 minutes)

Brainstorm: "What could we try? What would help?"

Evaluate: "Which of these would work for both of us?"

Decide: "Let's try specific solution. Does that work for you?"

Close (5 minutes)

Summarize: "So we've agreed to summary of solution."

Action Items: "I'll my action. You'll their action. We'll check in when."

Thank: "Thanks for being willing to work through this with me."

Difficult Scenarios

Scenario 1: They Get Defensive

What to Do:

1. Pause and acknowledge - "I can see this is hard to hear."
2. Reassure - "I'm not attacking you. I want to understand."
3. Ask questions - "Help me understand your perspective."
4. Take a break if needed - "Should we take a few minutes?"

What Not to Do:

• Get defensive back
• Escalate
• Give up
• Attack

Scenario 2: They Won't Take Responsibility

What to Do:

1. Focus on impact, not blame - "Regardless of intent, here's the impact."
2. Ask about their experience - "What was going on for you?"
3. Focus on future - "How can we prevent this going forward?"
4. Set boundaries - "I need specific behavior to continue."

What Not to Do:

• Force an apology
• Argue about who's right
• Give up on accountability
• Accept unacceptable behavior

Scenario 3: You're Too Emotional

What to Do:

1. Acknowledge it - "I'm too upset to have this conversation productively right now."
2. Take a break - "Can we talk tomorrow when I'm calmer?"
3. Process your emotions - Journal, talk to friend, exercise
4. Come back when ready - Don't avoid forever

What Not to Do:

• Have the conversation anyway
• Suppress your emotions
• Lash out
• Avoid indefinitely

Scenario 4: They Won't Engage

What to Do:

1. Express importance - "This is really important to me. I need us to talk about it."
2. Ask what they need - "What would make this easier for you?"
3. Set a deadline - "Can we talk by date?"
4. Consider mediation - "Would it help to have someone else facilitate?"

What Not to Do:

• Force the conversation
• Give ultimatums immediately
• Assume they don't care
• Let it drag on indefinitely

When to Involve Others

Mediation May Help When:

• You've tried to resolve it yourselves
• Emotions are too high
• Power imbalance exists
• Communication keeps breaking down
• You're stuck in a pattern
• Trust has been damaged

Who Can Mediate:

Good Options:

• Neutral band member
• Band leader (if not involved)
• Trusted friend outside the band
• Professional mediator
• Band therapist/coach

Bad Options:

• Someone who's taken sides
• Someone with their own agenda
• Someone who gossips
• Someone without skills

Mediation Process:

1. Both parties agree to mediation
2. Choose neutral mediator both trust
3. Set ground rules for conversation
4. Each person shares perspective
5. Mediator facilitates problem-solving
6. Agree on solution and next steps

Prevention Strategies

Build Conflict-Healthy Culture

Normalize Disagreement:

• "It's okay to disagree."
• "Different perspectives make us better."
• "Conflict handled well strengthens us."

Establish Norms:

• How we'll handle disagreements
• Communication expectations
• Decision-making process
• Respect and boundaries

Practice Small Conflicts:

• Don't avoid minor disagreements
• Use them to build skills
• Establish patterns of resolution
• Build trust through working through things

Catch Issues Early

Regular Check-Ins:

• How are things going?
• Any concerns or frustrations?
• What's working well?
• What could be better?

Address Quickly:

• Don't let issues fester
• Speak up when something bothers you
• Encourage others to do the same
• Make it safe to raise concerns

Build Strong Relationships

Invest in Connection:

• Spend time together outside rehearsal
• Get to know each other
• Build trust and goodwill
• Create positive experiences

Show Appreciation:

• Recognize contributions
• Express gratitude
• Celebrate successes
• Support each other

Key Takeaways

1. Conflict is normal - It's how you handle it that matters
2. Address issues early - Don't let them fester
3. Listen to understand - Not to respond
4. Use "I" statements - Focus on impact, not blame
5. Find common ground - You're on the same team
6. Problem-solve together - Collaborative solutions work best
7. Follow through - On agreements and action items
8. Build conflict skills - Practice makes better

Conflict handled well can strengthen your band. Conflict avoided or handled poorly will destroy it. Use this framework to turn conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.