Conversation Starters

Difficult conversations are easier when you know how to start them. This library provides scripts for common challenging discussions in bands.

How to Use These Scripts

These are starting points:

• Adapt to your situation
• Use your own words
• Be authentic
• Adjust tone for your relationship

General principles:

• Be direct but kind
• Focus on behavior, not personality
• Use "I" statements
• Invite dialogue
• Show respect

Performance Issues

Skill Level Concerns

Situation: Member's skill level isn't meeting expectations

Script:

"Hey, can we talk for a minute? I want to discuss something that's been on my mind. I've noticed that specific observation, e.g., 'you've been struggling with some of the faster passages'. I'm concerned because impact, e.g., 'it's affecting our overall sound'. I want to support you in getting where you need to be. Can we talk about what's going on and how we can help?"

Lack of Preparation

Situation: Member consistently comes unprepared

Script:

"I need to talk with you about something. I've noticed that at the last number rehearsals, you haven't had specific songs/parts learned. This is affecting our progress because impact. We agreed that everyone would come prepared, and I need to understand what's happening. Is there something preventing you from preparing? How can we address this?"

Stage Presence Issues

Situation: Member's stage presence needs improvement

Script:

"I want to talk about our live shows. You're a great musician, and I think we could make an even bigger impact if we worked on stage presence. I've noticed specific observation, e.g., 'you tend to look down a lot' or 'your energy seems low'. The audience responds to energy and connection. Would you be open to working on this together?"

Attendance & Reliability

Chronic Lateness

Situation: Member is consistently late

Script:

"We need to talk about punctuality. You've been late to number of the last number rehearsals/shows. When you're late, impact, e.g., 'we can't start on time and we lose valuable rehearsal time'. I need to understand what's going on. Is there something making it hard for you to be on time? What needs to change?"

Missing Rehearsals

Situation: Member missing too many rehearsals

Script:

"I'm concerned about your attendance. You've missed number rehearsals in the last timeframe. We agreed that rehearsals are a priority, and your absences are affecting impact. I need to know if you're still committed to this band and if something's changed. Can we talk about what's going on?"

Last-Minute Cancellations

Situation: Member cancels at the last minute frequently

Script:

"I need to address something that's becoming a pattern. You've canceled number times in the last timeframe with very short notice. This puts us in a difficult position because impact. I understand emergencies happen, but this is happening too often. What's going on, and how can we prevent this?"

Communication Issues

Poor Responsiveness

Situation: Member doesn't respond to messages

Script:

"I want to talk about communication. I've sent you number messages about topic and haven't heard back. This makes it hard to impact, e.g., 'plan effectively' or 'make decisions'. I need to know that I can reach you when needed. Is there a better way to communicate with you? What's preventing you from responding?"

Negative Attitude

Situation: Member has consistently negative attitude

Script:

"I want to talk about something I've been noticing. Lately, you've seemed observation, e.g., 'really negative' or 'frustrated' or 'checked out'. For example, specific examples. This affects the whole band's energy. I'm concerned about you and want to understand what's going on. Talk to me—what's happening?"

Conflict with Another Member

Situation: Two members are in conflict

Script:

"I've noticed tension between you and other member. For example, specific observations. This is affecting impact. I care about both of you and want to help resolve this. Can you help me understand what's happening from your perspective? What would help make this better?"

Commitment & Direction

Questioning Commitment

Situation: Sensing decreased commitment

Script:

"I want to check in with you. Lately, I've sensed that observations, e.g., 'your energy seems different' or 'you seem less engaged'. I might be reading this wrong, but I want to make sure everything's okay. Are you still feeling good about being in this band? Is something going on that I should know about?"

Different Goals

Situation: Member's goals don't align with band's

Script:

"I want to talk about where we're headed as a band. I've noticed observations suggesting misalignment. When we talk about band's goals, you seem reaction. I'm wondering if our goals still align with yours. Can we talk about what you want and whether this band is still the right fit?"

Wanting to Leave

Situation: You think they want to leave

Script:

"I want to have an honest conversation. I've been sensing that observations. If I'm reading this right and you're thinking about leaving, I want you to know you can talk to me about it. I'd rather have an honest conversation than have you stay if you're unhappy. What's going on?"

Leadership & Decision-Making

Undermining Leadership

Situation: Member undermines your leadership

Script:

"I need to talk about something that's been bothering me. When I specific leadership action, you specific undermining behavior. This makes it hard for me to lead effectively and creates confusion for the band. I value your input, but I need you to what you need. Can we talk about how to handle disagreements differently?"

Wanting More Input

Situation: Member wants more say in decisions

Script:

"I've noticed you seem frustrated when decisions are made. For example, specific instance. I want to understand your perspective. Do you feel like you don't have enough input? Help me understand what you need in terms of involvement in decisions."

Disagreeing with Direction

Situation: Member disagrees with band's direction

Script:

"I know you have concerns about decision/direction. I've heard you say their concerns. I want to make sure I understand your perspective fully. Can you help me understand why this concerns you? And can we talk about whether there's a way forward that works for everyone?"

Personal Issues

Substance Issues

Situation: Concerned about member's substance use

Script:

"I need to talk with you about something difficult. I've noticed specific observations and I'm concerned. This is affecting impact on performance/band. I care about you as a person, and I'm worried. Can we talk about what's going on? How can I support you?"

Personal Problems Affecting Band

Situation: Member's personal issues affecting performance

Script:

"I've noticed you've been observations. I know something's going on personally, and I want you to know I care about you. At the same time, this is affecting impact on band. I want to support you, and I also need to make sure the band can function. Can we talk about how to handle this?"

Burnout

Situation: Member seems burned out

Script:

"I'm concerned about you. You seem observations suggesting burnout. I don't want you to burn out or start resenting this band. Can we talk about what you're feeling? Maybe we need to adjust expectations or give you a break. What would help?"

Financial Issues

Not Paying Share

Situation: Member not paying their share of expenses

Script:

"We need to talk about finances. You owe amount for expenses, and it's been timeframe. When you don't pay your share, impact. I need to understand what's going on. Is there a financial issue we should know about? How can we resolve this?"

Disagreement About Money

Situation: Disagreement about how money is handled

Script:

"I want to talk about the financial situation. I know you're not happy with issue. I want to understand your concerns fully. Can you help me understand what you think should happen? Let's see if we can find a solution that works for everyone."

Difficult Decisions

Asking Someone to Leave

Situation: You need to ask someone to leave the band

Script:

"I need to have a difficult conversation with you. We've talked before about issues, and despite efforts made, things haven't improved. After a lot of thought, we've decided that this isn't working out. We're going to need to part ways. I want to handle this respectfully and make the transition as smooth as possible. Can we talk about how to do that?"

Declining to Join

Situation: Telling someone they're not right for the band

Script:

"Thank you for auditioning and for your interest in the band. You're a talented musician, but we've decided to go in a different direction. Optional: specific reason if appropriate, e.g., 'We're looking for someone with more experience in this style'. I appreciate your time and wish you the best."

Stepping Down from Leadership

Situation: You're stepping down as leader

Script:

"I need to share something with you all. After a lot of thought, I've decided to step down from leadership role. Brief reason. This doesn't mean I'm leaving the band, but I think new arrangement would be better. I want to talk about how we transition and what this means for the band."

Conversation Tips

Before the Conversation

Prepare:

• Know what you want to say
• Anticipate their response
• Choose right time and place
• Check your emotions
• Have specific examples ready

During the Conversation

Do:

• Be direct and clear
• Use specific examples
• Listen to their perspective
• Stay calm
• Focus on behavior, not personality
• Invite dialogue
• Look for solutions

Don't:

• Attack their character
• Bring up everything at once
• Get defensive
• Make assumptions
• Interrupt
• Lecture
• Give ultimatums (unless necessary)

After the Conversation

Follow up:

• Document what was discussed
• Follow through on commitments
• Check in on progress
• Adjust as needed
• Recognize improvement

Key Takeaways

1. Start with care - Show you care about them
2. Be specific - Use concrete examples
3. Focus on impact - Explain why it matters
4. Invite dialogue - Make it a conversation, not a lecture
5. Listen - Understand their perspective
6. Look for solutions - Work together on path forward
7. Follow up - Check in and support change

Difficult conversations are easier when you know how to start them. Use these scripts as starting points, adapt them to your situation, and remember that honesty with kindness is the goal.