Difficult Conversations Guide

Avoiding difficult conversations doesn't make problems go away - it makes them worse. This guide helps you navigate tough discussions with confidence and skill.

What Makes a Conversation Difficult

Common Difficult Conversations:

• Addressing poor performance
• Discussing commitment issues
• Giving critical feedback
• Addressing interpersonal conflict
• Discussing money or fairness
• Asking someone to leave
• Setting boundaries
• Addressing behavior problems

Why They're Hard:

• Fear of hurting feelings
• Worry about conflict
• Uncertainty about outcome
• Emotional intensity
• Potential consequences
• Lack of skills or practice

Cost of Avoidance:

• Problems get worse
• Resentment builds
• Trust erodes
• Performance suffers
• Good people leave
• Band culture deteriorates

The Difficult Conversation Framework

Step 1: Decide If It's Necessary

Ask Yourself:

Is this a pattern or one-time thing?

• Pattern - needs to be addressed
• One-time - may not need conversation
• Not sure - observe more

Is it affecting the band?

• Yes - significantly
• Somewhat
• Not really

Have I tried indirect approaches?

• Yes, didn't work
• No, should try first
• Not applicable

What happens if I don't address it?

Decision:

• Have the conversation
• Try indirect approach first
• Let it go
• Need more information

Step 2: Prepare Thoroughly

Clarify Your Purpose:

What's the issue? (Be specific)

What's the impact?

What do I want to happen?

What's my role/responsibility?

Gather Specific Examples:

Example 1:

• Date: _______________
• What happened: _______________
• Impact: _______________

Example 2:

• Date: _______________
• What happened: _______________
• Impact: _______________

Example 3:

• Date: _______________
• What happened: _______________
• Impact: _______________

Check Your Assumptions:

What am I assuming about their intentions?

Could there be another explanation?

What don't I know?

Am I being fair?

Plan Your Approach:

When: _______________ (Private, adequate time, both calm)

Where: _______________ (Neutral, private location)

Opening: How will I start?

Key Points: What must I communicate?

Questions: What will I ask?

Step 3: Start the Conversation

Request the Conversation:

Good Openings:

• "Can we talk about specific issue? I want to understand what's going on."
• "I need to discuss something that's been concerning me. When's a good time?"
• "There's something I'd like to talk through with you. Can we find 30 minutes?"

Bad Openings:

• "We need to talk." (Too ominous)
• Ambushing without warning
• Starting with accusation
• Being vague about topic

Set the Tone:

Opening Statement Template:

"Thanks for making time. I want to talk about specific issue. This isn't easy for me to bring up, but I care about you and the band, and I think it's important we discuss this. I want to understand your perspective and figure out how we can move forward together."

Example:

"Thanks for making time. I want to talk about attendance at rehearsals. This isn't easy for me to bring up, but I care about you and the band, and I think it's important we discuss this. I want to understand what's going on and figure out how we can move forward together."

Step 4: Share Your Perspective

Use the SBI Model:

S - Situation: Describe the specific situation B - Behavior: Describe the observable behavior I - Impact: Describe the impact

Template:

"In situation, when you specific behavior, the impact was specific impact."

Examples:

Attendance Issue: "In the last month, you've missed 3 of our 4 rehearsals. When you're not there, we can't practice our full set, and the rest of us feel like we're not a priority. It's affecting our ability to prepare for upcoming shows."

Performance Issue: "At our last two shows, you weren't playing the parts we rehearsed. When you improvise without discussing it first, it throws off the rest of us and makes the songs sound messy. It's affecting our sound and professionalism."

Interpersonal Issue: "In yesterday's rehearsal, when Sarah was sharing her idea, you interrupted her and dismissed it without discussion. When that happens, it shuts down collaboration and makes people feel unheard. It's affecting our creative process and band dynamics."

Use "I" Statements:

Formula: "I feel emotion when behavior because reason."

Examples:

• "I feel frustrated when rehearsals start late because we lose valuable practice time."
• "I feel concerned when you don't respond to messages because I don't know if you're getting important information."
• "I feel hurt when my ideas are dismissed because I put a lot of thought into them."

Avoid "You" Statements:

Bad:

• "You're always late."
• "You don't care about the band."
• "You're being unprofessional."

Better:

• "I've noticed you've been late to the last several rehearsals."
• "I'm concerned about your level of engagement."
• "The behavior I'm seeing doesn't match our agreed standards."

Step 5: Listen to Their Perspective

Your Job: Understand, Don't Defend

Ask Open Questions:

• "Help me understand what's going on from your perspective."
• "What's been happening for you?"
• "Is there something I don't know about?"
• "How are you experiencing this situation?"

Listen Actively:

• Give full attention
• Don't interrupt
• Don't plan your response
• Ask clarifying questions
• Take notes if helpful

Reflect Back:

• "So what I'm hearing is..."
• "It sounds like..."
• "From your perspective..."
• "Did I understand that correctly?"

Validate (Even If You Disagree):

• "I can see why you'd feel that way."
• "That makes sense from your perspective."
• "I understand that's been difficult."
• "Thank you for being honest about that."

Step 6: Problem-Solve Together

Find Common Ground:

"It sounds like we both want shared goal. We just need to figure out how to get there."

Brainstorm Solutions:

"What would help? What could we try?"

Options:

Evaluate Together:

"Which of these would work for both of us?"

Agree on Solution:

"Let's try specific solution. Does that work for you?"

Step 7: Agree on Next Steps

Action Items:

Check-In Plan:

"Let's check in on this in timeframe to see how it's going."

Date: _______________

Closing:

"Thanks for being willing to work through this with me. I appreciate your openness."

Conversation Scripts by Scenario

Script 1: Addressing Poor Attendance

Opening: "Thanks for making time. I want to talk about attendance at rehearsals. I've noticed you've missed number of our last number rehearsals, and I want to understand what's going on."

Share Impact: "When you're not there, we can't practice our full set, and it affects everyone's ability to prepare. The rest of the band is feeling frustrated and wondering if this is still a priority for you."

Listen: "Help me understand what's happening. Is something going on that's making it hard to make rehearsals?"

Problem-Solve: "What would help? Is the schedule not working? Do you need to adjust your commitment level? What can we do to make this work?"

Agree: "So going forward, you'll specific commitment. And if something comes up, you'll communication plan. Let's check in on this in timeframe. Does that work?"

Script 2: Giving Critical Feedback

Opening: "I want to talk about specific aspect of performance. This is hard to bring up, but I think it's important for your growth and the band's success."

Share Observation: "I've noticed specific behavior. For example, concrete example."

Share Impact: "The impact is specific impact on band/music/others."

Listen: "I want to understand your perspective. How are you experiencing this? Is there something I'm missing?"

Offer Support: "How can I support you in improving this? What do you need?"

Agree: "Let's work on specific improvement. You'll specific action, and I'll specific support. We'll check in on progress in timeframe."

Script 3: Addressing Interpersonal Conflict

Opening: "I want to talk about what happened when/where. I think there's some tension between us, and I'd like to clear the air."

Share Your Experience: "From my perspective, what happened. I felt emotion because reason."

Listen: "I want to understand your experience. What was going on for you?"

Find Common Ground: "It sounds like we both want shared goal. We just had different approaches."

Problem-Solve: "How can we work together better going forward? What do you need from me?"

Agree: "So going forward, I'll my commitment, and you'll their commitment. If something like this comes up again, we'll agreed approach."

Script 4: Setting Boundaries

Opening: "I need to talk about specific behavior. It's been bothering me, and I need to set a boundary."

State Boundary: "I need specific boundary. For example, what that looks like."

Explain Why: "This is important to me because reason."

Listen: "I want to hear your perspective. How does this land for you?"

Confirm: "Can you respect this boundary going forward?"

Agree: "Great. So from now on, restate boundary. If it happens again, I'll consequence. Thanks for understanding."

Handling Difficult Responses

Response 1: They Get Defensive

What They Say: "That's not fair! You're always criticizing me!"

What to Do:

1. Stay calm - Don't get defensive back
2. Acknowledge emotion - "I can see you're upset."
3. Clarify intent - "I'm not trying to attack you. I want to understand and solve this together."
4. Refocus - "Can we talk about the specific situation?"

What to Say: "I hear that you're feeling criticized. That's not my intent. I care about you and the band, and I want us to work well together. Can we talk about what happened and figure out a solution?"

Response 2: They Deny or Minimize

What They Say: "I don't think it's that big a deal. You're overreacting."

What to Do:

1. Stand firm - Don't back down
2. Restate impact - "It may not seem big to you, but here's the impact..."
3. Use examples - Be specific
4. Focus on future - "Regardless of the past, here's what I need going forward."

What to Say: "I understand it may not seem significant to you, but it's affecting the band in these ways: specific impacts. Regardless of how we see the past, I need specific behavior going forward. Can you commit to that?"

Response 3: They Blame Others

What They Say: "It's not my fault. If other person would just..."

What to Do:

1. Redirect to their role - "I'm not talking about them right now. I'm talking about your part."
2. Focus on what they control - "What can you do differently?"
3. Avoid getting sidetracked - Stay on topic
4. Set boundary - "I need you to take responsibility for your part."

What to Say: "I hear that you're frustrated with other person, and we can address that separately. Right now, I need to talk about your role in this situation. What can you do differently going forward?"

Response 4: They Shut Down

What They Say:Silent, withdrawn, or "I don't know"

What to Do:

1. Acknowledge discomfort - "I know this is uncomfortable."
2. Reassure - "I'm not trying to attack you."
3. Give time - "Take a moment to think."
4. Ask easier questions - Start with yes/no
5. Offer break - "Do you need a few minutes?"

What to Say: "I can see this is hard. I'm not trying to put you on the spot. I genuinely want to understand your perspective and work this out together. What would help you feel more comfortable talking about this?"

Response 5: They Agree Too Quickly

What They Say: "You're right. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

What to Do:

1. Probe deeper - "Help me understand what you're taking away from this."
2. Check understanding - "What specifically will you do differently?"
3. Ensure genuine agreement - Not just appeasing
4. Set follow-up - "Let's check in on this."

What to Say: "I appreciate you hearing me. To make sure we're on the same page, can you tell me what you're taking away from this conversation? What specifically will you do differently?"

After the Conversation

Immediate Follow-Up

Document:

• Date of conversation
• Key points discussed
• Agreements made
• Action items and timeline
• Next check-in date

Reflect:

• How did it go?
• What went well?
• What could I have done better?
• What did I learn?

Follow Through:

• Do what you committed to
• Monitor the situation
• Provide support as needed
• Hold them accountable

Check-In Conversation

At Agreed Time:

"I wanted to check in on our conversation about issue. How's it going from your perspective?"

Assess:

• Has behavior changed?
• Is agreement being honored?
• Are they getting support needed?
• Is the issue resolved?

Outcomes:

If Improved: "I've noticed specific improvement. Thank you for making that change. How's it feeling for you?"

If No Change: "I haven't seen the change we agreed on. What's getting in the way? Do we need to adjust our approach, or is this not going to work?"

If Partially Improved: "I've seen some improvement in area, which is great. I'm still seeing issue in area. What would help with that?"

Key Takeaways

1. Don't avoid - Difficult conversations don't get easier with time
2. Prepare thoroughly - Know what you want to say and why
3. Start with care - Show you care about them and the relationship
4. Be specific - Use concrete examples, not generalizations
5. Listen genuinely - Understand their perspective
6. Problem-solve together - Collaborative solutions work best
7. Follow through - On commitments and check-ins

Difficult conversations are a skill that improves with practice. Each one you have builds your confidence and ability. The more you practice, the less difficult they become.